Resilience Part 2: Remembering What We've Learned

Here we go again!  School is starting, and whether your family has chosen the hybrid or full virtual model, there will definitely be challenges ahead.  I think we’re all expecting it to be just like it was in March - chaotic, stressful, lots of frustration and crying, feeling like you don’t have enough eyes, ears or arms, time, or sleep.  Well, I have good news and bad news: it’s not going to be just like it was in March.  (Hmmm...Is that the good news or the bad news??  It’s both!)

It IS going to be just like March because there will be a lot that is new we’ve never done before, and with anything new, there’s uncertainty, risk, and some anxiety.  

But it’s NOT going to be just like March because this time, there’s a lot we DO know.  We’ve learned a lot about how to do our jobs in this new normal, no matter what that job is. (And yes, parenting is a job!) 

So as we get ready for the first day of school next week, let’s look back on what worked in the spring:

1. Manage Your Expectations.  We are a community of over-achievers, but it’s not time yet to resume pre-pandemic expectations.  We still need to lower them.  Not as much as we needed to back in March, but not back to pre-pandemic levels yet, either.  There’s a lot that is still new this September, so while we can have higher expectations for some things, we need to remember to be patient with ourselves and others right now.  We’re going to forget what day it is, miss meetings, miss deadlines, and make mistakes.  All of that has to be ok right now (see #2).  Also, it's important to remember that for most things, what took you an hour to accomplish pre-pandemic could take you 2-3 hours to accomplish virtually.  I'm sure you've experienced this already.  Yes, it's normal.  Yes, it's documented. You're not alone.

2. Practice Self-Compassion.  Self-compassion is when you acknowledge that you're hurting (mindfulness), recognize we're all in the same storm (common humanity), and tell yourself your best is good enough (self-kindness).  When your kids drive you nuts, your boss acts like there's not a pandemic going on, your spouse falls apart, and/or your aging parents ignore all that is good for them, you have to be kind to yourself.  It’s not reasonable for anyone (even you) to expect you to have a crystal ball, magic wand, or time machine.
 
3. Prioritize.  I could talk about labeling things on your to-do list as an A, B, or C priority, but if there’s one thing a crisis is good for, it’s clarifying priorities.  I imagine your A list looks something like this: health, safety, family, home, job. Everything else gets at least a B, if not a C.

4. It's All About Boundaries - yes, of time and space, but also of sound and food!:  You've always had a lot of hats to wear, but never before have you been asked to wear them all at once!  It's not practical and, in my humble opinion, it's not humanly possible.  Setting boundaries helps limit how many hats you wear at once, even if you still have to keep the others handy.

• Time: Set schedules and routines.  Your schedule might be the same each day, or it may need to change each day.  It helps to know what’s going to happen when (and who is going to do it!!), but more importantly, your family needs to know what YOU are going to do when so they know when you're available to help vs. when you need to focus all attention on your own work.  Even with a schedule, it can be hard to know when you’re available! One option to address this is to use a color-code system where a red paper on your door means “do not disturb,” yellow means “only if it’s VERY important and time sensitive,” and green means “I can stop and answer questions at this time.”  Other things that worked in March: schedule screen time for the kids at times when you need to be left alone; plan to help one child while the other is online with his/her class or doing his/her chores; and most importantly, schedule an end to your work day!
• Space: Make sure each person has his/her own work space. A desk in each bedroom or on each level of the home ensures enough separation to tune each other out and minimize distractions.  Exception: if your child can't seem to focus on his/her work without you present, it might help him/her for you both to work in the same room.  Just be sure to give him/her frequent breaks (such as after completing each assignment or sub-task) so you have a few minutes to yourself periodically.
• Sound: One word: HEADPHONES!! These have been a godsend at my house.  They are especially important if you don't have doors to close or enough space to separate, or if someone has to work in a main living area.  But even in ideal situations, headphones help contain your child's world to his/her space while increasing your ability to focus on your own tasks.
• Food: “No, I can't fix you a snack!” Close the kitchen between meals except for snacks they can get themselves (which may take some prep).  Even those should be few and far between.  Many kids (and adults!) use food as a means of procrastination.  Call them out on it and send them back to their workspace.  You'll know they really need that snack when your child isn't coping well or can't figure out something s/he should be able to do.  Also, prep meals ahead of time as if you’re still leaving the house each day.  If you think about it, one of the things that made our pre-pandemic life easier was prepping for meals and packing lunches ahead of time.  Don’t expect to be able to do that in the middle of your day just because you’re home.  The time it takes is a significant interruption to whatever task you were working on, which causes unnecessary frustration.

5. Minimize Distractions:  When we go to work or school, that environment is set up for us to do the job we're supposed to be doing.  We're not surrounded by bills that need to be paid, laundry piles, dishes in the sink, crying children in the next room, etc.  Your kids don't have all their favorite toys right next to them in the classroom, and they don't usually use the computer unattended.  Distractions abound at home for all of us, so use the tricks and tips recommended by experts to minimize and manage distractions:

• Make check lists:  Even if they're all listed in one place online, it may help to have to-do items listed on paper in a clearly visible area of your workspace.  The visual reminder helps keep you (and/or your child) on task throughout the day.  Tackle the most important/pressing task first.  Cross things off as they get completed, add things as they come up, and revise/rewrite the list each day. 
• Chunk your tasks: Now that you know what you're doing first, break the task down into smaller tasks.  These smaller tasks are what you will do in between helping your kids, making them lunch, etc.
• Use a timer:  For some, using a timer helps create a sense of urgency, which helps them concentrate and get things done - like a self-imposed deadline.  Timers are also useful for managing breaks or tangential tasks.  Whenever you don’t want to lose a large chunk of time doing something that’s not a priority, set a timer!  You can always reset it if you really need more time.
• Build in rewards and play: Schedule snacks and other breaks for after a task has been completed.  Plan a family game night or movie night to celebrate making it through the week.  Play and leisure are necessities, not luxuries!

6. Self-Care is Key: You can't pour from an empty cup.  Remember the basics of stress management (eat right, exercise, get sufficient sleep, do things you enjoy) and practice self-compassion (mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness)!  Only then will you be able to share your time and energy without being frustrated and possibly resentful about it.

7. Be Flexible.  Because this is 2020 and anything can happen!  Even if you institute all of the above to a T, the governor could make an announcement that changes everything - again!  Control what you can and roll with the rest.

Having been in the school these past three days, I can tell you the classrooms do look different (they remind me of when I was in elementary school!)  But what’s the same is that palpable sense of excitement and anticipation that all the faculty and staff have. They can't wait to start getting to know your children and they're doing all they can to make sure we have the best year we possibly can!  We can do this!  We will soar on!

What tips and tricks have you learned from the past 6 months?  Which do you think will be most important for you and your family?  Post your thoughts in the comments section below!

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