Resilience: Change your ANTs into PETs!

If your kids are anything like mine, they've had it.  The transition back from the long Memorial Day weekend has proven to be difficult for even the best of students.  I'm reminded of the stress analogy where a person holds out a glass of water and asks, "How heavy is this?" The answer is that it depends on how long you hold it; one minute is no problem, but days, weeks, or months will take everything you've got.

And that's where we are now.  We've been living under the same stressful conditions now for months. There's still three weeks of school left.  Even after school ends on June 18, our kids will still be home for the summer.  There's a long way to go before school starts again in September, and there's no guarantees of what it will be like then.  We're still holding up that glass of water, and for some, it's getting very heavy.  

​​Last month during Open Circle lessons, I spoke with students about the grief process and the emotions that come with it.  We talked about how the sadness, anger, and detachment come in waves, and I explained that it's ok to not be happy all the time; negative emotions serve a purpose.  There's no getting around or over grief; you have to go through it.  And by learning to go through it and come out the other side, we build resilience.

​Resilience is the ability to adapt to and/or recover quickly from difficulties.  It's what enables some people to keep moving forward toward their goals despite obstacles, stress, disappointment, or even trauma.  Instead, they change course, adapt to new ways of doing things, manage expectations, learn from setbacks, and bounce back seemingly unfazed.  It's important to note, however, that resilience doesn't mean you won't ever feel sadness, anger, helplessness, frustration, etc.  It means that in the face of hard times - when the waves of negative emotions come - you find a way to bend instead of break; you learn to surf the waves.

This is the essence of the lesson shared with your children this week.  Using the framework of the ANTs from Captain Snout and the Super Power Questions by Dr. Daniel Amen, students were shown how to adapt their Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) into Positive, Encouraging Thoughts (PETs).  According to the book, which is based in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it's our ANTs that make us feel "mad, sad, worried, and upset."  Therefore, by learning how to change these ANTs into PETs, we can change how we feel.  

​For example, take a look at the chart below.    The first column shows the pictures of each of the ANTs.  (Ask your children what their names are!  Most know them by heart!). The second column gives an example of what you might hear from your child if s/he is having that kind of ANT, and the third column gives an example of how to change that ANT into a PET.  (For more examples and detailed information on how to change ANTs into PETs, watch the instructional video made for students here.). Do any of these sound familiar? Let us know the ANTs you hear most at your house in the Comments section below!

The goal is not to extinguish the ANTs - we all have them about many experiences every day.  When not too strong or persistent, ANTs are helpful; they make us pause and think twice about our experiences and next steps. However, in the worst of cases when an ANT in our head gets too loud and we believe what it says, it can impede our ability to function.  The goal, therefore, is to recognize when you're having an ANT while it's still small and change it to a PET so as to be able to regulate your negative emotions and continue to move toward your goals.  

Like any new skill, changing ANTs into PETs takes time.  It will be slow and cumbersome at first, but with practice, your new PETs will become much more automatic.  To get you and your children started in a fun way, I've created these ​matching games that will help you learn each of the ANTs, what they say in the book, what they might say in quarantine (above) and what to think instead. 

So what would a resilient student in quarantine look like?  S/he would focus on what CAN be done, be GRATEFUL for all that's positive, VISUALIZE a happy future, stay CONNECTED with friends and family, and accept personal RESPONSIBILITY for his/her choices when things don't go as expected.  Remember, being resilient does not mean not HAVING negative emotions; those waves will keep coming.  It means having the skills to surf those waves and paddle back out after falling off. 

So it's time to drink that glass of water you've been holding for so long!  Keep an ear out for ANTs and change them to PETs!   SURF'S UP!

Remember to Comment below and let us know which ANTs you hear at your house!

---

​If you're concerned about your mental health or the mental health of someone you love, NJMentalHealthCares can help.  The free helpline offers telephone counseling, emotional support, information and assistance. 
Call 866-202-4357, 7 days/week, 8am -8pm.

Those who may be having suicidal thoughts should call
​ 1-855-NJ-HOPELINE (855-654-6735) or dial 911.

---